It’s been a fun season of celebrating Kate’s “firsts” … first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas.  Even though she doesn’t have any clue what’s going on, Russ and I (and the rest of the family) are having fun!  Merry Christmas everyone!

Kate on her birthday (July 18th, 2009)

Kate is almost 4 1/2 months old! How did that happen? I always used to hear parents talk about how fast they grow or that they can’t even remember when theirs were “that little.” Now I find myself saying that! Some friends of ours had a baby last month. She was over 6 pounds when she was born but she looked so teeny-tiny and I couldn’t imagine Kate being so little. But Kate was just over 5 pounds when she was born so she was even smaller. This tiny newborn has grown into a happy, chunky baby! If you keep track of our Shutterfly site, then you know we take a photo of her on the 18th of every month with her Humpty Dumpty. (Her Aunt Robin got her the Humpty Dumpty – she and Russ both had Humpty’s just like these when they were little.)

Kate at 2 weeks old (we couldn't get a newborn pic since she was in the NICU - and because I didn't think of this until she was 2 weeks old!)

Kate at 1 month

Kate at 2 months

Kate at 3 months

Kate at 4 months

“The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. . .  No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.

In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Seal of the United States to be affixed.”

Done at the City of Washington, this Third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Independence of the Unites States the Eighty-eighth.

By the President: Abraham Lincoln

The question of origin can be a tricky one. The truth is that all of us pick some point in time and place for answering this question to make it quick and easy. These days I say I’m “from Colorado.” But most of my adult life has been spent in Arizona and I grew up in Texas. I could just simplify things and say I’m from the Southwest United States, I guess.

Today I was blessed to see a friend add a new piece to the puzzle of his place of origin. My friend was adopted from Korea back in 1971 by a kind American couple. By some turn of events he and I find ourselves in Korea this week on business, but we took time today to make a special trip about 1 hour outside of Seoul. What we found warms my heart.

We drove into Chunchon, Korea around 11am and made our way through the narrow, steep roads to a brightly colored two-story building What was once an orphanage is now a vibrant day care. The sound of laughing children was all around like a distant memory of the children that had lived in these buildings following the Korean War so many years ago. What we found there was much more than a building or a piece of property, we found a person who knew the history of this place. We met the son of the orphanage director from the 1960s and 70s. He was a little boy around the time my friend was there. This gentlemen proceeded to spend an hour showing us old yellowed photographs and handwritten records from the 70s that cataloged the arrival and departure of each child. Over 2,000 children had been placed for adoption through this facility from the 60s through 2006 when it closed. After an hour of research we found that my friend had spent four days there in 1971 before being placed with a foster family. There was the handwritten entry in the journal… his Korean name… his place of birth, all representing a precious piece of the “from puzzle.”

After over an hour of discussion, smiles, questions and realizations we prepared to leave. We prayed. We cried a little, too. We thanked God for providing this place for children and for our new friend from the orphanage who had taken the time to share his personal history with us. He said that several people stop by every year to learn about where they are from. As we prayed I realized that God didn’t lead us to a place today but to a person. What an unexpected surprise. God’s ways and plans are always a surprise, not because we’re stupid or not paying attention but because he is so much better than we will ever understand (at least not yet). I learned something new today about how good God really is and how He not only makes a place for us in the future… He makes a place for us in the past, too.

-Russ

A colleague asked me today how I’ve changed since Kate came along. I got a clear answer to that question tonight when I walked in the house (after a very long day) and found Rebecca rocking Kate to sleep. Oh man! There is a sense of joy and peace in me that is so hard to explain… I am overwhelmed. I just LOVE seeing Rebecca with our little girl. Somewhere in the Bible it says that “love rejoices in the truth.” There is just something so true and good about this time, I think it’s love. This must be a glimpse of how God rejoices over all of his children.

-Russ

A friend recently forwarded me a link to a recent article in Wineskins magazine.  I read and I wept.  I wept for Kai and our loss all over again.  It’s strange how that grief will hit me out of the blue sometimes.  Yes, we are blessed tremendously by Kate.  I love her more than I thought humanly possible … but she will never replace Kai.  No child will ever replace him.  He is beautiful and perfect in his own way and he took a piece of my heart with him when he left.  He is in a good place with a wonderful family.  They are kind and generous and truly have a gift for raising children who need special care.  I watch in amazement as they deal with Kai’s disabilities (and their other childrens’ disabilities) with so much more grace that I ever would have.  We are blessed to be able to see him often and get updates practically every week.  But that little boy has a piece of my heart and sometimes the grief I feel over that missing piece comes crashing in on me all over again.

I was touched by this story and I wanted to share it here …

Rebecca

Making Peace With Hannah

09/05/2009

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by Amanda Sanders
September – December, 2009

Dear Hannah,

While we have never met, Someone we both love led me to you. I suppose I should begin with an apology. You see, I read over your story many times before I had children. However, I’ve only looked at it a few times since becoming a mother. To be honest I felt great anxiety when I read about you giving your little boy away.

I just couldn’t understand. You wanted him so badly and prayed so desperately to have him. How could you abandon him to people you didn’t even know? I found myself furious with you. If you had really truly loved Samuel, you would have died of a broken heart. Wouldn’t you? Neither would you have broken out in song or went on to have many more children. Good mothers do not give up their children; even for God. Of this I was certain.

I often wondered why your story haunted me. I was uneasy with my anger at someone who lived so long ago. You are a hero of faith. I would think of you often and then promptly push such thoughts out of my life. After all, your situation had nothing to do with me. Still our mutual Friend kept bringing you up despite the fact that I was no longer interested in hearing about you.

Not until after I had my first child did I begin to review my own heart toward you. Zane was a vibrant little boy; full of laughter and funny words. He was my sunshine. Then a few years after his birth he stopped laughing. He stopped talking. Eventually, he stopped understanding. After several tests and lengthy silences from the specialists we were handed the word that would change our lives…Autism.

Our little boy, who was once playfully adventurous, was replaced by one who had become angry and scared. The unpredictability of daily life was too much for him to bear. We had other children and they, too, did their best for Zane. We each tried for many years to make the world conform to Zane. In the end, Hannah, we were not able. Decisions were made during surreal conversations. We learned a new vocabulary of pain. Nauseating phrases like “What is best for everyone” and “residential treatment facility” were now part of our lives.

The week Zane went away I could barely function. I was on autopilot. Scared to death that he was going to live in a new home and even more terrified that he wouldn’t. I was on my knees, praying and crying. I pleaded with God to help me survive for I could make it no further. I needed something, anything God could give me. I got out my Bible, opened it up, and peace settled over me as the pages fell open to your story. A lifetime of urging from my Father suddenly made sense. Of course, Hannah!

This time I read without my usual condemnation. I stood, not from the sidelines of history, but in your shoes. I too had prayed for a child to love. I had been blessed by God just as you had. I was finally able to see you as a person for the first time. I read your story with different eyes and came to know your heartache and your fears. Now I could understand that sometimes in order to give our children life, we have to let them go. I hurt for you and wondered how I would muster the faith to do what you did that day, to walk away from my child with both a breaking heart and thankful soul.

Zane would be near me. I was still his mom. He would sleep somewhere else, but my job to protect him would be the same. My duties would change but my role would not. But you Hannah….you walked a more difficult path. You would see your baby once a year, God willing. No phone calls or lunch dates would be scheduled. From skinned knees to teen angst, you would miss it all. He would grow into a man and you would have to trust; trust that he was safe, loved and nurtured. Trust that God’s plan for your Samuel was bigger than the two of you.

Hannah, I think about you often as I walk this path. I wish I could sit with you and talk. Perhaps you would give me a road map to this disorienting grief; perhaps a check list of stages to mark off in hopes of never having to repeat them. I long to hear another mother say “It will get easier” or “It will never stop hurting.” The unknown looms so large.

I feel set apart from others. It’s different now. Grief has seared me down to my soul. I wonder how you did it. Were you always faithful? Were you always sure that God would heal your broken heart? What did you do with your pain? What will I do with mine?

I understand now, Hannah. Leaving your little boy that day was the most gut-wrenching thing you ever did. Every step took all the love you could muster for your child….and for your God. The days that followed are, to me, where your story really begins. Your faithfulness and willingness to walk with God is humbling. You knew the LORD gives and the LORD takes away, and still you blessed His name.

Your Samuel went on to do great things for the Lord. What will become of my Zane? Hannah, do you think he will do the same? I tell myself every day that God will use my pain. God will use Zane’s pain. He will bring healing from the ashes. But I am no “Hannah” today. There is no song in my heart, only sadness for you and for me.

I pray that God will make me faithful like you; that He will fill my heart with joy. I want my legacy to be laughter, encouragement, and faithfulness to the Father. Your story, the one I have run from my whole life, I now embrace. I want it to be mine too.

“So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, ‘Because I asked the LORD for him.’ … After he was weaned, she took the boy with her, young as he was, along with a three-year-old bull, an ephah of flour and a skin of wine, and brought him to the house of the LORD at Shiloh. When they had slaughtered the bull, they brought the boy to Eli, and she said to him, ‘As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.’ And he worshiped the LORD there.” ~ 1 Samuel 1:24-28

I saw these two bumper stickers on a truck today:

“Power of Pride” (with flowing American Flag)  and a “NOTW” sticker (stands for ‘Not of This World’, a reference to John 18:36)

It caused me to ponder things on the way home. How does patriotism relate with Jesus’ proclamation of a kingdom that’s not of this world? How do Christians develop pride in a place when they are constantly reminded in scripture that we are simply pilgrims passing through a place? I have a hard time imagining first century Christians with a “Roma Victor”  banner next to their ichthus-fish cave graffiti.

Or maybe I’m just overthinking this. What do you think?

-Russ

Why did Jesus live and die the way he did? Our pastor, Ken, shared the reason this morning and I was surprised by what he said.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

-Hebrews 12:2

The “joy” that inspired and motivated Jesus was you. You, alive. Me, alive. Us. Imagine that.

-Russ

Have you ever been around someone for a long time but failed to introduce yourself? After a while it just becomes plain awkward (I’m thinking of someone at work right now).

Well, Rebecca and I want to introduce all of you to our greatest new joy, Kate Emerson Debenport. Kate was born on July 18, 2009 and we welcomed her into our family through adoption (like how God welcomes us into his family). She has brought us happiness, amazement, sleeplessness, confusion, curiosity and a new sense of humility and responsibility. She has also turned our mourning into rejoicing.

Why haven’t we written about Kate earlier? Well, honestly we’ve been sorta busy… but we do love writing on this blog and want you to join us in welcoming Kate! We also waited until the legal custody period had passed before we “went public.”

But that’s enough words. Check out Kate’s pictures here and enjoy: www.russandrebecca.shutterfly.com.

-Russ

“We are where we are because all of us are passing through life with our own personal blinders on. We favor civil rights bills and feel a warm glow in our hearts when we hear the eloquence of a Martin Luther King [Jr.]. We cluck our tongues over the agitators in the streets and call them outside trouble-makers or ne’er-do-wells. In essence we are all very decent men and women of good faith and we are all very busy with our careers and with our families. All too busy with our own concerns to fight injustice, to fight poverty and to fight ill will in the immediate world around us.”

-Senator Ted Kennedy
1968